How could I explain?
by k.footman
Summary: A version of continuation after volume 7. Written in 1st person, Souichi's POV.


Hello everyone! This is my very first Tyrant-fic. ^^ Takes place after the 7th volume.  
I don't think anything even similar will happen actually, I'm sure it'll be much longer process, but I felt like to write it. :)  
I'm totally new at writing, and English isn't my first language, but I'm trying. :) I'll be happy if you care to read, and if you find it interesting enough to finish it. ^^

* * *

As Masaki left our apartment, I couldn't stop myself. _That bastard going after Morinaga? To _console_ him? No way in hell!_

"Hey! Masaki!" I shouted after him and stepped out the door.

"What?" He was already halfway to the stairs.

"Leave him alone!"

So without really thinking about it I ran down the stairs. I had no idea where to go. Where could _he_ go? Where _would_ he? It was really frustrating! What am I? A kindergarten teacher? Running after babies for Christ's sake! After about a 30-minutes-exploration of the near neighborhood, I found him on a playground. Yeah, definitely a kindergarten teacher… after a baby…

He was pretty crushed; I could tell just by the way he was sitting on that bench. I started to walk towards him, but I stopped short when it came to my mind that I didn't really know what I was supposed to say or do. I had no idea what I _wanted_ to say or do. _Why am I here, anyway?_ I think I'd already said what I wanted; and apparently he wasn't quite happy about it, though I didn't really have any regret about it either. Wasn't I just right, goddamn it? Okay, I admit, _maybe_ I sounded worse than I'd intended… But he's an adult man! _Bear with it, will ya'? _It's his fault anyway that I was in a state like that. He pissed me off with his little secrets!

So I stepped to a swing, and leaned against it while I tried to figure out what to say. Then he rubbed his eyes, straightened his back and as he looked up he noticed me. That bastard actually stood up and started to walk away the opposite direction! So I shouted after him and tried to catch up to him.

"Wait, Morinaga! Hey!"

He apparently wasn't going to stop, so I practically had to run after him. When I caught him up, I grabbed his arm and spun him to face me, but he wouldn't. He just stared at the damned ground, then said:

"I'm sorry, Senpai. I really do."

"Yea, sure, now cut that shit out and come home!"

He didn't say yes or no, just still stared at the ground, and didn't move an inch. I tried to pull his arm a little, just to make him move, but he pulled away.

"You hear me? Come on already!"

"I didn't want it this way. Never wanted to hurt you."

_Great_, now what do you answer to something like that?

"Yeah…" _Way to go Souichi! That's an answer!_

"I really do love you, Senpai." Though he still wasn't looking at me, I looked away from him.

"…I… I know that already…you tell me all the time." I felt my cheeks start to burn, and I wanted to punch my own face.

"I'm sorry that I forced you into this… It would've been the best if you just let me go a year ago. No one would have been hurt now. You'd probably be happy enough in the lab, maybe with a _girl_, and I would've had the chance to find myself someone who is able to _love me back_."

_Love __him back_…? It echoed in my head like a mantra, and I couldn't make it go away, it was annoying.

"Y-you can't go back to change that now, so it's really unnecessary to thinking about that…" I wasn't going to say exactly this, but I couldn't think because I hardly heard anything besides that annoying mantra in my head. _Love him back, love him back…_

"No, I can't…" he said.

I felt like as if that three words, "_love him back",_ were getting slowly carved into my mind. It was strange … Like when you have the answer for a question, but you already forgot the question itself, and you try to figure what is that an answer for. I was getting confused, but he cut off my very slow train of thoughts with something I wasn't expecting.

"I'll pack my things, and move out of the apartment, just give me a few days until I find a place."

_What? _Now how did we come to this?

"I never said you are to move out! You are going into extremes again! You always do this! Something happens or I say something, and then you immediately try run out my life!"

_Out of my life?_ Huh? I wasn't going to say that!

"I thought you wanted that."

"Because you always just think things, then believe them! Stop that! And drag your ass home already!"

"Why don't you just let me go?" He sounded resigned and tired. I never heard him talk in this tone. He'd said that a several times before, but never sounded like this.

"Because I don't want you to leave…!" I almost added "me" to the end of the sentence, and I was glad I didn't and angry - at myself - that it even crossed my mind. But he seemed quite untouched by what I'd just said.

"…But now I want to. This time for real." He had the nerve to make a face that clearly said _woops, you're late_. "That was enough, you… I tortured myself enough. We apparently couldn't make any development in our relationship…"

What the hell was he saying?_ Not any?_

"That's…"

"And I doubt that we could… _I_ could do anything more after all this."

"That's…" I swear I tried, but I just couldn't bring my thoughts and feelings into sentences.

"You just go home, and I'll sleep at a friend's place tonight I guess… Night, Senpai." he said, then turned around and just walked away. _What? Not so fast!_

"Hold it!"

He froze, didn't say a word, didn't turned back, just stood there looking again at the ground. I was getting angrier even more, but tried to hold it back.

"Do you really have to do this? Again? I told you you don't have to move out because of such thing, damn it!"

I stepped toward him, spun him around again, and grabbed him by the wrist.

"Just…" _Now_ what was I gonna say? "Now just come home with me... I won't ask you one more time."

"Senpai…"As he started to protest I shot a glare at him that clearly said _don't fucking argue with me!_ Though he looked confused, he understood that it's better if he does what I say. So we finally started to walk back to our block. Though no one were on the streets it was kind of awkward, holding his hand _in public_, but I wouldn't let him, I wanted to make sure he wasn't going to run away at the next corner.

I wanted to be at home as soon as possible, so I fastened my steps; in the end that idiot practically flew after me. I didn't really care… just wanted to be inside before someone saw us _holding hands_. Eventually we got home, and to my utter annoyance Masaki was there again. Or rather _still_.

"The hell are you still doing here!" The last thing I wanted to see one more time that day was his face, and he just sat there on _my_ couch, damn it!

"You left the door open - again. I thought I shouldn't just let your apartment like that."

I said something not too nice, but not loud enough to be heard.

"You're welcome, anyway…" he continued, then he looked at our hands, and only then, as I followed his eyes, realized that I was still holding Morinaga's hand; like a puppy on leash. But as that guy looked at us, I became very conscious about _not_ to let his hand, damned if I know why, but I gripped it even tighter, as he watched us. "Ah, I see you two made up in the end? That's good." He finally stood up and came closer to us.

I don't know why, but I really wanted to punch the guy in the face already. If he would've spent another minute sitting on _my _couch, I probably would have.

Then Morinaga pulled his hand away. I looked after his hand in surprise; it felt like as if he would've ripped off my own arm. _What was his problem now?_ Then he said:

"No, we didn't."

"Oh…" Masaki looked really confused, and blinked mostly at me, since Morinaga looked at the floor now, so he couldn't make any eye contact with him. He continued, "I thought you… ah well, try to make things clear between the two of you. You owe each other and yourselves that much."

I was glad that he said good bye and walked out of our apartment on his own will, and I didn't have to make him to, but I definitely didn't like the way he stroked Morinaga's cheek as he went out the door between me and Morinaga.

Morinaga didn't say a word. When the door closed behind Masaki, he went into the kitchen for a glass of water; he stood there with his back to me, and I went into the kitchen too. He didn't turn to face me.

Now I felt a little bad; he was apparently really down; I didn't intend to make him feel like this.

I tried to figure _what's next_, now that he's home. I'm not a good speaker – well unless it's about biochemistry – so as if it weren't an hour ago I just basically continued where he cut off our former conversation. But this time I tried to hold my voice down a little.

"You want too much."

"Excuse me?" There was an almost-laugh in his voice, but without any humor; he still didn't turn around. He put the glass down, and gripped the scullery; I could tell I made him a bit angry, but I tried to ignore and went on.

"You expect too much. You're too pushy; it's too much for me." As I said it, I wasn't sure anymore that _that_ was the main topic of our former conversation, but still I went on. "You have to understand that I'm not like you… or your… former lovers." Not like I knew any of his former lovers, thank God… Except that Masaki guy. Then I realized he was going to twist my words again, and go "_then we are lovers, aren't we?_" and I automatically went into defense mode, and tried to think, what I was going to say when he asks how I meant it. And then I was surprised when he didn't jump onto those two words. Instead he just said:

"I've noticed that much." I was caught very _on_ guard, still I felt like I was _off_ guard. That wasn't what I expected. I was a bit confused, almost disappointed in a way. That wasn't the _usual_. I tried to go on.

"Sometimes… I feel like you suffocate me…"

"I understand… but I swear I never wanted to make you feel like this." I knew he meant it. I knew he didn't do anything on purpose that was harmful to me. But it just always felt like as if he never heard anything I'd ever said; despite how many times he'd said that he liked me, still it always felt like he was ignoring my feelings and needs. Fuck! How can I explain this to him?

"And what I said… I was right, you know that. I won't apologize for being right! You can't base your whole life on things like a momentary whim, like love. It's totally senseless! Don't fuck up your life! Think!"

"Momentary whim, huh?" He echoed me in whisper, but then let it go, and I went on.

"And I definitely don't need to be dependent! I can look after myself, I don't need you or anyone to do that for me! I'm not your wife! If you're looking for one, then find a girl and get married!" It was out before I could think it over…

"I never meant it like you needed to be dependent. And I base my life on whatever I want. And it's not a whim, Senpai! If it were just a whim, then it would've died out before even I told you about my feelings. So… even if you were right, that it's senseless, the way you just blurted out, Senpai, it was cruel… it hurt! Like my feelings were meaningless and insignificant!" At that I finally understood why had he run away. I thought it was just because I was yelling at him. But not; I really did hurt him with my words. "Why couldn't you just tell me all of that earlier? If I would've known from the beginning that this is how you really feel, then… I…"

He never finished his sentence. If I told him, then he what? And did I not tell him? Wasn't I clear enough? Well… _maybe_ I wasn't… but still!

I couldn't respond to what he'd said. So many thoughts and feelings went through me. That _if_ and _then_ hit me. It sounded like he regretted even that he'd ever met me.

Honestly! What if? What if I would've told him in the very beginning what I felt? Would we be still sharing this apartment? Would he be still at the University with me? Would we see each other at all or he would've actually moved to another city? Would I care, would I miss him at all?

I had to admit, even if just to myself, that I would…

When he headed to his room I said:

"Don't move out." He froze again, like a fucking statue, and looking still at the floor. _What's wrong with this guy?_

"Nothing good will happen if I don't." He said, he sounded too calm, I suspected he wasn't actually.

"You're just doing this again. Running away and just leave me!" I sounded much more desperate than I'd intended to. "You just decide things on your own without fucking asking!"

He turned to face me at last and look me in the eye, the first time since he'd run off earlier.

"Okay!" He practically shouted at me, and I flinched a little. _Oh yeah, he's anything but calm._ "Then I ask you! Do you want me to move out?"

"No!" I didn't even think a second about it. He stood there with an expression that I hardly could read.

"I really can't figure you out, Senpai."

"Me neither" I whispered. I wasn't sure he'd heard that.

"Senpai, you said yourself I'm pushy, and I admit that I can't stop being too caring, but if it's really too much for you, then there's really no point for me staying here with you." It seemed like he wanted to convince rather himself, than me.

"It's always just _you, you_ and _you_. You don't even think about _my_ feelings about you walking away – again! Wasn't it enough to try it out two times? It didn't work, did it?" Actually we both knew it did, but there was no way I was gonna say that. "I just often feel that it's too much and too fast, but if you would just moderate yourself a bit, then…"

"I do it all the time, but it's apparently not enough for you!"

"Be a bit more patient! It's not easy!"

"And wait for what?"

How could he ask _what?_ How could I explain? How?

"I…"

"I understand that you are confused…"

"I'm not!"

"Yes you are, and even you don't know what you want…"

"The hell I don't!"

"Then tell me!" I was looking at the wall, the cupboard, anywhere but at him, I couldn't make myself answer. "Forget it." he continued "I was stupid that I fell for a straight guy, especially one like you, in the first place."

I went into kind of a shock at that. _A guy like me?_ What on earth did he think about me? That I really was a monster that I looked like? I fought the urge to punch him, to start yelling again, to cry in front of him; I was so nervous; what he said hit me hard. I really wanted to just leave, but I couldn't move. I thought he must've felt like this, when he'd ran out the apartment. Suddenly I was so sorry that I hurt him with my words earlier, no matter if I was right or not, I just felt sorry that I made him feel like that. And now _I_ was the idiot who pinned his eyes to the floor. I was shaking, and clenched my fists. I didn't understand what was happening. I felt miserable. And I just couldn't respond to what he said.

We just stood there, but since I didn't look up I don't know if he was looking at me or elsewhere. But then I heard him sigh and coming up for me. _Where is your pride, man? Don't come and patronize _me_ after I made you feel like shit!_

But I guess he couldn't hold back his over caring nature. I felt him standing just before me, and I flinched a little. I was still looking at the damn floor like a real idiot, and tried to make my tears go away before they leaked out. He gently took my hands, and lifted them to his lips, and kissed them. _Why are you doing this? _

"Senpai…" He said. I still couldn't look up, or answer; and I was scared that this was going to be the last time he holds my hands. Eventually I lost the battle with my tears. I wanted to say _I'm sorry,_ but I couldn't swallow my pride and form the words.

"Senpai, don't cry…"

"I-I'm allergic."

"I'm sure you are. Senpai, do you believe me when I say I love you? Look, I honestly never wanted to make you feel bad. I just don't know what more should I do to…" and then I really don't know what happened to me...

"Don't you dare leave me, you idiot!"

Then he stepped closer and embraced me. I buried my face into his chest. I hated to admit, but it felt good to be this close to him. But then again I felt tense, and sounded still angry, though my anger was half way to anywhere by then.

"Why do I have to ask you this again, damn it! Don't go away again! Anywhere!"

"Senpai…"

"Don't hide things from me! And don't lie to me! And don't see that guy again!"

"Senpai…"

I swallowed hard. "Don't…"

Then he gently cupped my face and angled my head so that he could lean in for a kiss. It felt so right. I wasn't even thinking about protest. Unconsciously I moved my hands away from his chest, one up to his neck with my thumb on his cheek, the other into his hair, stroking it. I was embarrassed when I realized what I was doing. I knew I blushed hard and I hated myself for it. He broke the kiss just long enough to say "_Senpai" _again, and he looked me in the eye.

His eyes were so green…!

I realized I'd never looked into them carefully enough. He kissed me again, and wrapped his arms around my torso, holding me tight against his body. When he broke the kiss again, he slipped his hands under my arms and palmed my upper back; I clung onto him, and buried my face into his neck. I felt his face in my hair, and it felt so good.

I can't tell how long we were like that, but eventually no matter how good it felt, I started to feel a little uncomfortable. I was relieved he hadn't pushed me any further; it was a hell of a hard day already anyway. Not as if I… but just not now. I disentangled myself from his embrace.

"Senpai…" He said again. Then I took a breathe to start talking and I felt my cheeks already burn, and I hated it! I hope they invent some medicine for it soon enough that I can use them!

"That job offer…"

"Yes?" I could hear the cautiousness and a little fear in his voice.

"If… if it's a good place, and worth to accept, and you haven't yet only because…" now I had to look away from his eyes. "because you were unsure of how… _we_… would be…"

"Yes?" Now he sounded only curious.

"You should just take it…" Then without waiting for any kind of respond I ran into my room. I couldn't make myself any clearer.

"Senpai, wait!" But I didn't. I shut my door, and leaned against it. I hated myself that I couldn't stay outside with him more. But I really couldn't. My heart was racing like crazy. I stood there a minute to calm down, and I heard him – though only barley - saying one more thing, and I knew he understood what I was trying to say.

"I love you, _too_, Senpai."


End file.
